Ick

I feel icky right now and I just need to vent. I am worrying Dr. Lu has not been aggressive enough with my protocol. I keep asking Mary about it but she says he thinks things are going fine. And maybe they are and I just have to have faith. Its a little discouraging when you never see your doctor. And I do adore Mary, she has been great. I am thankful she is such a nice nurse.

Right now I have 5 possible on the right and 2 on the left. Mary assures me Dr. Lu is pleased with this but I dont think its very good at all. Maybe if I was a regular IVF patient that was going to put back whatever, but doing PGD is going to reduce the number of embroys I have. And just because I have 7 follicles looking good right now does not mean all of them will be collected or once they are inseminated that they will grow to where they need to be for the PGD. Add PGD weeding out the XY and the abnormals... crap I'll be lucky if there is ONE normal female. Im extremely concerned about this and could cry. Crap the lady on the discovery channel show "8 Boys Wanting a Girl" in her 40s had better results then me with the amount of eggs collected. Now she only had ONE to transfer because her eggs were not very good and then she didn't get pregnant. But how was she able to produce more follicles? I am only 31??

Here are my results from today. I didn't get to see Mary today so I dont have the report but when she called she gave me the info.

Right side

(1) 16

(2) 14

(1) 13

(1) 10

(1) 8

(2) 6

(2) 5

Left side

(1) 13

(1) 10

(1) 8

(1) 7

(1) 6

From the looks of numbers it seems I have lead follicles that are sucking up the medication. The girls on the ingender.com message board, when they stim all seem to have follicles at the same time. Like one girl has (8) at 10mm.

Gah maybe its just the hormones getting to me. Or the fact that this is a lot of money and I dont think we will do it again and I am already seeing this as a failure. Or maybe its just my fear it will be failure.

Today in the waiting room I saw a couple leave and you could tell the girl had obviously been crying. I dont know their situation, maybe they were being given bad news as in your negative for pregnancy, it could have been bad news about anything but obviously it was bad and upsetting news and I just dont want that to be me walking out of that office. I dont want to never have a daughter. I dont want another son. Not because I dont love my sons, but because we really only want a 3rd child if that child is a daughter. We have two great sons and its either no kids or a daughter.

I just feel sick. I thought I'd have more follicles.

And if this doesn't work where do we go from here? Do I try again with Dr. Lu or do I go to HRC in California where I had originally planned on going before talking to Dr. Bone? At least I know HRC does a good bit of sex selection IVF cycles and believe they have an in house embryologist which will be good since I would need to cycle again fairly soon because of my wedding season work schedule.

I think I am going to have plenty more posts like this... thinking about what if it doesnt work... What should we do now... questioning my protocol... Im sure too as the meds make me more hormonal... And if we get a baby daughter out of it I'll look back and laugh. But until then I dont know what to do.

So I go again tomorrow for more blood work and another u/s. I still am on 2 vials on menapur and 200IU of follistim. I also will start the ganirilex tonight